One Click at a Time

I'm having trouble

2009-12-26T00:38:00.000-08:00

being PATIENT.
We've been talking a lot more lately, and it makes me miss him that much more.
This evening he told me that I'm his favorite person. How do you top that?
I'm impatient for February. It's a 90% yes that he'll be meeting me in AZ. And I'm completely impatient. **sigh** well... i'll be sending him his care-package soon... i wish i could fit myself into a Flat-rate mailer.

Because without LOVE. Everything sucks.

2009-12-25T11:48:00.001-08:00

“Righteousness without love makes us hard. Faith without love makes us fanatical. Power without love makes us brutal. Duty without love makes us peevish. Orderliness without love makes us petty.”

Why I don't celebrate christmas.

2009-12-22T22:22:00.000-08:00

For everyone asking me why i don't celebrate Christmas.... My reply has simply been copied and pasted. Feel free to ask questions. :)
The following is taken from the book "What does the Bible really teach?" It's a publication from Jehovah's Witnesses, take note tho, that there are quotes from books that are not affiliated with Jehovah's Witnesses.

CHRISTMAS—NOT CELEBRATED BY EARLY CHRISTIANS

A person’s worship could be contaminated by false religion as it relates to popular holidays. Consider Christmas, for example. Christmas supposedly commemorates the birth of Jesus Christ, and nearly every religion that claims to be Christian celebrates it. Yet, there is no evidence that the first-century disciples of Jesus observed such a holiday. The book Sacred Origins of Profound Things states: “For two centuries after Christ’s birth, no one knew, and few people cared, exactly when he was born.”

Even if Jesus’ disciples had known the exact date of his birth, they would not have celebrated it. Why? Because, as The World Book Encyclopedia says, the early Christians “considered the celebration of anyone’s birth to be a pagan custom.” The only birthday observances mentioned in the Bible are those of two rulers who did not worship Jehovah. (Genesis 40:20; Mark 6:21) Birthday celebrations were also held in honor of pagan deities. For example, on May 24 the Romans celebrated the birthday of the goddess Diana. On the following day, they observed the birthday of their sun-god, Apollo. Hence, birthday celebrations were associated with paganism, not with Christianity.

There is another reason why first-century Christians would not have celebrated Jesus’ birthday. His disciples likely knew that birthday celebrations were connected with superstition. For instance, many Greeks and Romans of ancient times believed that a spirit attended the birth of each human and protected that one throughout life. “This spirit had a mystic relation with the god on whose birthday the individual was born,” says the book The Lore of Birthdays. Jehovah certainly would not be pleased with any observance that would link Jesus with superstition. (Isaiah 65:11, 12) So how did Christmas come to be celebrated by many people?

THE ORIGIN OF CHRISTMAS

It was not until several hundred years after Jesus lived on the earth that people began to commemorate his birth on December 25. But that was not the date of Jesus’ birth, for it evidently took place in October.* So why was December 25 chosen? Some who later claimed to be Christian likely “wished the date to coincide with the pagan Roman festival marking the ‘birthday of the unconquered sun.’” (The New Encyclopædia Britannica) In winter, when the sun seemed weakest, pagans held ceremonies to get this source of warmth and light to come back from its distant travels. December 25 was thought to be the day that the sun began its return. In an effort to convert pagans, religious leaders adopted this festival and tried to make it seem “Christian.”#

The pagan roots of Christmas have long been recognized. Because of its unscriptural origin, Christmas was banned in England and in some of the American colonies during the 17th century. Anyone who even stayed home from work on Christmas day had to pay a penalty. Soon, though, the old customs were back, and some new ones were added. Christmas once again became a big holiday, and that is what it still is in many lands. Because of the connections that Christmas has with false religion, however, those who want to please God do not celebrate it or any other holiday that has its roots in pagan worship.

Photography is my drug...

2009-12-12T03:22:00.000-08:00

Time with Tarzan and Piotr makes me happy.

Look at this evil little face.

He doesn't like his singing face.. but i see nothing wrong with it... at least he doesn't look like John Mayer.

Birds Eye view??

TOES!

Hahah!

Beardybeard!

Tarzan was bored...

LOL... grouchybutt.

I love this one.

85286

2009-12-10T23:48:00.000-08:00

"Oh, I said, It's Arizona."
"Now taste.. all i ever needed.. all i ever wanted.. So hold on to surrender."

There's truly no reason for me to go into the many, many.... MANY events that went down in Arizona. There were good, bad, INCREDIBLY GREAT, and SUPER UGLY.
I've never felt THIS SAD to be coming home. I have something there thats new.... it's fresh... it's... basically insane. I don't even know where to start with it.
Down to it, what I'm saying, is that I'm looking to become a Dual State Citizen. From Nov 1st to May 1st, I'll be an Arizonaian. From May 2nd to October 31'st, I'll be a Hawaiian.
Its the plan. I just have to see how LT would work. IF it would. If not, i have a backup job. thats the great thing. i ALREADY have a job. I have a place to stay, and with the job, i'll help pay the mortgage. I've already got a huge circle of friends. some.... romance.. haha.
I'll have PURPOSE there... i don't feel like i have purpose here. its pathetic.
But yeah... thats it. hahah. I'll be moving.

It's like my hearts been ripped out...

2009-12-02T03:47:00.000-08:00

I'm sad.
This transition is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.
I see that it was foolish of me to think that I could do this un-noticed. But I guarantee that it's quite noticed.
I feel bad. I feel guilty. The STUPID thing, is that I SHOULDN'T feel bad or guilty... or even SAD. but here I am... tears in hand...
i feel like there's a hole in my chest where my heart's supposed to be. my stomach hurts all the time now... Its the worry, its the guilt, its the loss.
Epiphany. its not guilt... I'm grieving.. the problem is, that its all the same. i SHOULDN'T feel the need to grieve.
I'm a different person now, or I'm trying to be. I can't live with the things I was living with... and at the same time, now i feel kind of empty. I know its just Satan trying his best to stop me from doing what I know is going to be so good for me.
So now, to fill this hole with NEW things. Things that won't distract me. Things that help.

I've never done this before... I didn't think it'd be this depressing. I'm so depressed that I don't even wanna go on this trip that mom and I had planned for months.
The 4 People I've known the longest in my life agree that I'm better off. I know that I am... I just don't quite know how to quit. Even tho time and time again, I've been hurt because of it.
Currently, I can't admit the truth of the matter. I see it, i hear it, i feel it. But still, i deny it.

Its funny. On my way back from Hau'ula tonight, Joel passed out in the back seat and Toph and i were talking... i came to the conclusion that "my kids"... Christopher, Joel, and Peter... they're like my version of Jacob Black.. without the superhot attraction LOL.
But as soon as they got in the car... there was no hole. i didn't feel sad. i didn't feel empty, or guilty, or upset. the pain in my stomach and my heart disappeared. We thought that was funny.

Sometimes in life you wish you could erase certain people and certain situations. But you can't.
**sigh** thats life... you can choose to go on without it, or you can choose to live with the pain. And STUPIDLY, SADLY... even PATHETICALLY.... I'm on the fence.

I'm putting on

2009-11-30T20:04:00.000-08:00

the New Personality.
Are you ready? I am. I'm so tired of this one.
The lines are clear, as are the reasons we don't cross them. I've crossed them and now I'm suffering for it.
But by putting on my New Personality... EVERYTHING changes.
And I'm committed.

PIcs from the International Convention

2009-11-27T01:59:00.000-08:00

There are very few words to make simple the range of emotion felt at the convention last week. Jehovah has amazing ways of reminding us exactly how much he loves us. This convention was just one of the many. It was a BEAUTIFUL one.
Brothers and Sisters from around the globe came to partake in the rich spiritual food that was laid out for us. From Ghana to Korea, Boston to Russia.. kyrgyzstan to Australia, Germany to Japan. Literally from AROUND THE GLOBE. I even saw a Brother in traditional garb from Israel. Amazing stuff.
Heres some photos... i simply couldn't lift my camera too often... I wanted to see it with my own eyes and not through the viewfinder. I hope Keith gets some killer pics from this weeks convention. :)

Mom on the bus!

Traceface on the bus

me on the bus.

our cute little convoy.
Apparently not so cute... The news reported that we literally rented EVERY BUS on the island. Killer aye?

My peeps! including my favorite people EVER. Dixie... Joels grandma. i love her.

At the convention, you see things you "normally" wouldn't...

Gotta love the strong agape.

You won't find this kind of love anywhere else.

Having lunch out on the Ala Wai, watching our new friends flock in over the bridge.

aaand being nerds.

Trace found friends she knew over 25 years ago back in Bend, Oregon. aaaand i made new ones :)

Trace trying to show me how evil she can look.

Someone's camera curious!

Ohboy... my nephew is so cute!

aaand ends up with lipstick all up on his grill...

Cubby feeding Fox during the session... aaand i guess thats his version of feeding her?

Holy Crap. look how cute my parents are!

Wander around during lunch long enough and you'll find chris and joel on a chick-hunt. haha

my kids are so cute with nice clothes on.

Wow.. keoki looks SPECIAL... so does Cochise.... what in the world.

you dont see this smile anymore...

Meagan and Bobz looking around on the upstairs deck where a lot of the mexicans were.... of course they would.

meagans pearl necklace was ready for its close-up.

I took TONS of pictures of the gorgeous display of Obi wrapped Kimonos.

A Sister from Korea tried on some mexican garb. So cute!

Woooow!

Obi-Action!

more Obi-Action!

Riiiiight?

meagan in passing!

my neph. idk how this focus and lack there of happened.

Little McElfy with his McELFy ears.

me, Mai, Candace, Cub, and Trace

My BFF up close and suuuperpersonal. haha

and here it looks like Heshuah has a tattoo. haha.

hey there.. thats a big smile, Josh.

Booger-picker convention...

Happy and clean-nosed.

This little face KILLS me.

yeeep.. INTERNATIONAL.

see?

So in Korea, if a man who turns 18 refuses to join Koreas military, he gets put into jail for like 5 years...

Bob Marley had it right. EYE don't wanna wait in vain.

2009-11-26T23:50:00.000-08:00

Ooooh my life as of late.

With the numerous personal adjustments made this past week, one would think I'd be exhausted. But honestly, I've never been more refreshed!

Sitting here with my Good Earth *caffeine free* herbal tea, chill music in the background, NO FACEBOOK... I'm taking a moment. One just for me.

LAST week, was AMAZING. We had our International Convention. Finding a starting point in this discussion is near impossible. God works in such beautiful ways. I've been really down emotionally and spiritually for the past few months. It was like being held underwater. This convention was like someone bringing me an oxygen tank and a mask. I can see clearly, and I can breathe freely.

I've cut out many distractions. Some of which are incredibly hard to do without, but to me, it's necessary. These things have been taking up time that I SHOULD have been using for my personal study. (Which by the way, happens nightly now that networking of the social type is out of the picture.)

Other distractions have been removed, some have just been eased up on. Even tho this is something I HAVE to do, it's also something I WANT to do and I'm excited about. It makes me happy.

Moving on. The recent complication.

Explaining this is difficult.

About a year ago, I received a text message from a friend from the mainland who was in Colorado snowboarding with his bff (hahah!)... They'd been drinking, and he was telling me all kinds of personal things, hinting about having feelings for me... I didn't take these things too seriously, simply because he was drinking. Throughout the year, the texts continued. Getting more and more personal, leading up to the eyebrow-raising, "I really wish you were here." moment.

We continued talking and texting, and about 2 months ago, the conversations took an odd turn. He admitted that when he was down here 2 Marches ago, he had wished that we'd had the opportunity to hook up. I'd never thought about this friend in that manner... I COULD, but I hadn't... I met this guy when he was 14 and I was 19.

We kept talking, all the while after he admitted that, instead of calling me by any other name he'd usually come up with, the blanks were filled with "Sweetheart", "Baby", "Darling", "Love".

I can't say I don't enjoy it. It's a wonderful feeling that I'd been missing lately.

But my last text from him was on the 18th... over the weekend, I'd figured he was just busy, as was I... being at the Convention and all...

But Monday morning, I received a text from his mom... Which isn't out of the ordinary... she loves my guts, and I, Hers. After greetings she proceeded with a "well, there's no way around saying this..."

My heart dropped when she paused. I didn't know what was going on. The text continued,

"my son is getting DF'd. He's been trying for days to tell you. He's been stewing about it, and hasn't found a way to talk to you."

I was shocked. I didn't know how to feel. I immediately offered words of comfort, and then texted him.

He said that he was sorry he didn't tell me sooner, but that he couldn't find the words. I asked him to return quickly and unscathed. Which he promised to do with the following words,

"Oh I will be back, don't you worry. and i'm planning to take a trip out there again. :) You know i love"

and it ended like that. My brain was like "oh no no no... you wait just a minute.. FINISH THAT SENTENCE!" i didn't say it, but i thought it!

and then the second message came through.

"Oh I will be back, don't you worry. and i'm planning to take a trip out there again. :) You know, i love you."

I replied with a "love you too.", but I don't know what to do now.

I can't have contact with him... so I can't figure out if it was a friendly "i love you", or a romantic one.

All arrows point to romantic... with admitting all those things, and just last week he wanted to kiss me...

And now, nothing... I guess I'll be waiting a while for the answer... But how do I wait? with open options? without? idk... i don't even know if its something I want..

Time shall tell...

I was supposed to see him next week while I'm on my trip. We had a date planned... guess its not gonna happen now...

Re-Entry into BLOG world.

2009-11-11T00:22:00.000-08:00

I've not felt like blogging lately, so OBVIOUSLY I haven't done it.

Multiple reasons contributed to feeling such lethargy with blogging, this year's been quite a roller coaster.

If I were to write bout EVERYTHING I can recall that made this year so bittersweet, this blog would be about 2,000 pages long. No, Seriously...

The gist of it, New life, old love rewired... maternity leave :) ..winning, losing, major failing... Saying goodbye when we weren't ready... June... June was hard... this entire summer was hard.. major meltdowns, ice-overs, lessons learned, lessons taught... being force-fed Humble Pie (necessarily done)... closing doors, opening windows...

2009 was by far, my most challenging year. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. I'll be glad to leave it behind and start anew in 2010.

I plan on blogging a LOT more, starting now. The Writing-Bug is crawling around in my cabesa. Hopefully there shall be tangible results of its scratching around.

Just how we do. Ickest stylee.

2009-01-24T14:30:00.001-08:00

Pictures from November when Shermanraaaaay was here.
I KNOW this is old. at least what... 2 months old. But like I said before, I ain't got shite to do.
Btw. For those of u who do NOT know who Shermanray "Ickest" Anteola is...
go here.. www.youtube.com/ickest
funniest stuff ever.

We started off at Pearlridge, with all his followers... which I will not post, simply because there are WAY too many pics of people i don't give a poop about. so yeah.
We'll skip Pearlridge which we almost got kicked out of like 4 times..
AFTER I puked on Kam Highway, washed up, and went to the Studio Party....

This is what it looks like when you play "I Never" with co-workers. Poor Sherry. she was the ONLY one who did THAT. ahaha

Aw. my pointy heads!

Thea-Grace, Me and my MaryNAILS.

After the studio party, we headed back to the Bat Cave (my house).. HEADQUARTERS, and busted out the ADULT beverages.
The only one sober there that night was Clarissa. Because she's responsible... and shes just not a big drinker.
I however... AM. I mean seriously. Have you SEEN me drunk? I'm hilarious.. Here.. have a gander..

at least I THINK I am.

Shermz getting cozy with my HIDEOUS piggy bank... my old roommate left it.. ugh. don't worry. I threw her away a couple weeks ago. haha.

See? Clarissa = Sober... Sheldon = not so much...

Neither are Tracy and Mikey about to be. Since what they're shooting is 151! BTW, it's Mikeys FIRST 151 shot..

And heres his reaction..

See? I'm hilarious... lol.

I heart this picture...

And this one...

Kelbi, Piano, and Shermz... making the worlds biggest gay sandwich. hahaha

And this is how WE know SHERMAN...

Sheldon trying to hide from his allergies, while drinking. so he's SUPER red....

As I cozy up to Jo-L. :)

OOOoooh yeah.. Sheldons GONE... ALL GONEY GONE.

The night went on and on... of course to make idiots of ourselves...
but we won't go ANY farther than these photos. cause they get much worse.

We'll skip to the photosesh at the studio. yes, the one i got in trouble for cause i didnt get overhead clearance. but... what can ya do? i broke a rule, i got busted. its pau.

Start off SERIOUS... and DRAMATIC

Then we goof the rest of the time

I love the way this one feels.

its so....David LaChapelle..don't confuse him with DAVE CHAPELLE.. DAVID LaChapelle... not to say that I could do what he does... hes one of my favorite photographers. He SMOKES everyone else.. His use of lighting is so strange.

Anyway.

We threw a couple more filipinos in the mix just for kicks. OOOOH that rhymed.

Then Clarissa took the camera.

The End.

My 3 Sons?!?

2009-01-24T13:11:00.000-08:00

I have KIDS?
Well, no. I do not.
But these guys are like, the most awesome little brothers I never had. When I'm in a bad mood, they make me laugh. When I'm sad, they hug me, when I'm bored, they entertain. LOL.
They're always out for a good time, so it goes without saying that it's always a good day with this Trio.
So about a month ago, Peter started asking if we could do a photo-sesh. So I popped my 1.8 on my 40D and headed 2 Kailua to go and get my children.
We ended up on the back road in Nu'uanu that runs alongside Pali Highway.
Without any further gabbing or ado, here they are. From oldest to youngest, Joel, ChrisTopher, and Peter.
My 3 Sons.

Joel felt it necessary to hang out the window whilst we drove.

This is chrisTopher. my Toph. He's the naughty one. always in trouble.
As you can see here.. he has the face of a little demon.

Peter. My potagee one. HATES this photo. But because hes smiling quite naturally, it's one of my faves.

Topher. Texting up in a tree...

Peter. Texting down on the ground...

I like this one. Simply because Peter looks like he said something evil.

Joel thinks he's a clever one, making a face out of his hands and a pair of shades....

I really like this one... Peter in all his tall glory.

Joel lookin like Tom Cruise and Steve Carrell got together and had a baby.

And last photo...
Something important to discuss in the middle of the street.

Back in the blogging game... starting with the Zoo.

2009-01-23T23:33:00.000-08:00

I've been doing absolute SQUAT lately. So I figure, why not BLOG?
Only thing is, when I have time to blog, I have absolute SQUAT to blog about! how gay is that?!

ANYWAY. So my mom and I took the nephew to the Zoo on monday. Not a particularly awesome day, but a good one, simply for the company. I don't get to see my nephew as much as I'd like to, but aunty Gladys was rad enough to relinquish her day with him so I could have a go at spending the day with the Kid.

Not too many pictures, very few actually. Probably because majority of the time, the Kid was on my shoulders. Its hard to shoot and have a 22lbs bag of energy on your head at the same time, y'know?
So here it goes. Photos.
Enjoy.

So when Mom rolls up in her purply-gray Acura, I see the little noggin bobbing around in the back seat. I'm greeted with a hearty, "HIII!" when I pull the door open. I'm also greeted with this....

When we get to the Zoo, as always, parking is ASS. And even moreso on this day because it was MLK day, and theres a parade. GREEAATTT.. so we walk like a mile to get there. which is whatever cause Kid's in a stroller. Kinda hard to push a stroller with a 20lbs kid in it through loose gravel, but I manage.

I set the 40D to Monochrome. Get some black n white shots in. just for kicks.
Everything looks more meaningful in black n white.

We're walking through the Savannah, and I notice that theres a LOT of peacocks at the zoo.
I stumble (almost literally) on this sleeping one...

Which I happen to get too close to and wake up.. he didn't look at all pleased. I HAD to get close tho. have you ever noticed the tiny feathers on top of their heads? they're GORGEOUS. I'd totally want feathers on my head if they made me sexy like that! ahaha!

Then it was off to the Petting Zoo... Where Mom grabs the camera and tells me to wait.. ok. so I pause, and smile.
Little did I know, that MOM thinks shes a photographer too. :)
Tell me this little face isn't one of the most lovable asian faces ever.. and for ONCE I'm not talking about mine!

Mom and Talon decide they want to crawl into the fishtank with the big Koi in it...

After the petting zoo, we all got a little ADD, so we took off.
I notice that a lot of the time, if I spend an extended amount of time with this kid, my week feels good. Its happier.
:) I love this kid.
I can't wait for him to get to play with baby ******-***. :) We'll go on dates.