It's like my hearts been ripped out...

I'm sad.
This transition is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.
I see that it was foolish of me to think that I could do this un-noticed. But I guarantee that it's quite noticed.
I feel bad. I feel guilty. The STUPID thing, is that I SHOULDN'T feel bad or guilty... or even SAD. but here I am... tears in hand...
i feel like there's a hole in my chest where my heart's supposed to be. my stomach hurts all the time now... Its the worry, its the guilt, its the loss.
Epiphany. its not guilt... I'm grieving.. the problem is, that its all the same. i SHOULDN'T feel the need to grieve.
I'm a different person now, or I'm trying to be. I can't live with the things I was living with... and at the same time, now i feel kind of empty. I know its just Satan trying his best to stop me from doing what I know is going to be so good for me.
So now, to fill this hole with NEW things. Things that won't distract me. Things that help.

I've never done this before... I didn't think it'd be this depressing. I'm so depressed that I don't even wanna go on this trip that mom and I had planned for months.
The 4 People I've known the longest in my life agree that I'm better off. I know that I am... I just don't quite know how to quit. Even tho time and time again, I've been hurt because of it.
Currently, I can't admit the truth of the matter. I see it, i hear it, i feel it. But still, i deny it.

Its funny. On my way back from Hau'ula tonight, Joel passed out in the back seat and Toph and i were talking... i came to the conclusion that "my kids"... Christopher, Joel, and Peter... they're like my version of Jacob Black.. without the superhot attraction LOL.
But as soon as they got in the car... there was no hole. i didn't feel sad. i didn't feel empty, or guilty, or upset. the pain in my stomach and my heart disappeared. We thought that was funny.

Sometimes in life you wish you could erase certain people and certain situations. But you can't.
**sigh** thats life... you can choose to go on without it, or you can choose to live with the pain. And STUPIDLY, SADLY... even PATHETICALLY.... I'm on the fence.